Step 1: Anywhere from a week to a month before the big day, scour Pinterest and your favourite blogs garnering ideas and inspiration. Daydream, envision and even sketch out or make lists regarding your soon-to-be epic Impressionistic take on the usual Valentines Day sugar cookie. Smile to yourself as you imagine the pride on your childs face as he/she enters the classroom to the gasps and appreciative looks of his/her peers, all due to your selfless time and efforts. You are a great Mother, your children will never rebel during adolescence and your contribution to beautiful cookies will be blogged by all <3
Step 2. Remember at 10pm the night before they are due that you TOTALLY FORGOT ABOUT THE COOKIES! Ignore your husbands insane talk about it “not being a big deal” and frantically think of ways to save this earth shattering problem. Scavenge the house for useable ingredients, determine you are out of everything and think about alternative baking techniques. Decide that all of these have extremely high fail rates and weight your options: Go get ingredients now and stay up all night OR go to bed in despair hoping that you will most likely think of something brilliant in the morning. Choose despair and continue to the next step.
Step 3. Wake up with no brilliant ideas. Signing up for napkins and plates, which once seemed like a cop out, now seems like it would have been a really good idea. At least then your child would have had a chance for a life outside of therapy, which you have now caused and will be blamed for until you die. You are a terrible mother. Rush from the house ten minutes early in order to shamefully dash into the nearest grocery store.
Step 4: Enter the store and find whatever cookies are heart shaped and nearest to the till. The good news is the cookies will be 50% off, the bad news is that whats left has been picked though and broken. Buy them anyways. Also, the clerk will most likely be judging you.
Step 5: Arrive at the preschool. The other moms will be standing around with their Tupperware on display, secretly sizing up each others goods. It is important that you do not let them smell your fear! Instead, be sure that your cookies are well concealed and do not make eye contact.
Step 6. Begin stealth mode (if you are not naturally stealthy, quietly hum the ‘Mission: Impossible’ theme song, this helps). Take advantage of backpack/coat hanging chaos to make the drop. It is very important in this step that you are not discovered placing the generic $3 cookies on the snack table. Employing the “drive-by” method is generally fail proof. Walk past the table at a moderate pace with the contraband tucked close to your midsection and without slowing a bit, launch them in the general direction with the flick of a wrist. Regardless of where they land just keep moving. Even the briefest pause can raise suspicion.
Note: If you have not mastered the techniques in Step 6 and have possibly been found out, it is recommended that you commence the “loiter near the pretty cupcakes” method, until enough of the other moms have seen you in their proximity and assume you made them.
You have now successfully “made” cookies for your childs preschool class! There is a small chance that because of your last minute craftiness and save-the-day methods, your child will make it to his/her next birthday without becoming a drug dealer! You may now return home, promising yourself along the way that this will definitely NOT happen again next year (but I’d bookmark this post just incase).
*this post is dedicated to the teacher who is a dead-ringer for Angelina Jolie ; )