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Vanilla Bean 3: Unicorns Love These Cookies

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DISCLAIMER: I currently have pneumonia. Im just going to throw that out there for all you fabulous people so you don’t think I’ve completely lost it for good. I am heavily medicated and not getting a lot of oxygen to my brain at the moment, and yet, decided blogging right now was a good idea. I’ve just finished writing this post (which took me a record low of 10 mins), read it, inhaled a bit more steroids, read it again and decided to keep it as is. So, yeah. I offer no apologies (right now) and think Im maaaaarvelous! I also think pain killers are maaaaaarvelous!  Everything is maaaaarvelous!!!!!


Dum da da dum dum dum DUUUUUM I now present to you: the perfect vanilla bean tea cookie. Yes, I said perfect cause you know what, it IS perfect! And its not afraid to tell you its perfect because the perfect tea cookie has perfectly developed self-esteem and knows it is perfection! Just how perfect IS this tea cookie you ask?:

-If this cookie was a man, he’d be Brendan Fraser in the 90’s my husband.

-If this cookie was a competitor on The Bachelor, she would totally get the guy based on personality and dazzling good looks and not have to get all slutty in the hot tub.

-When you eat this cookie you get smarter, wiser and better looking, cause its perfection is transferrable.

-Miss Universe should watch her back, cause this cookie is coming for her sash and crown.

– Two words: Uni. Corn. Cause thats what this cookie is in the world of vanilla bean tea cookies.

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 My husband has just come into the room, read what I have so far, and told me not to publish it. Hahaha what a nut! I feel AMAZBALLS! Whats the matter with that goof?!?

Vanilla Bean Tea Cookies

1 cup butter

4 tbsp sugar

1 cup almond meal/almond flour

2 cups flour

1 vanilla bean

1 egg for sticking

vanilla sugar for rolling (recipe HERE)

How I Do It: First off, do NOT substitute the butter in this recipe for ANYTHING else! Substituting the butter would be the equivalent to starting a diet the same day you start your period: it just wont work (and you will be left very frustrated by trying to make it work). So cream together the butter and sugar. Using a sharp knife, split your vanilla bean in half and use the edge of the knife to gouge out its beany bounty. Get those fragrant innards in with the butter/sugar and watch it get deliciously flecky. Add the almond flour (or it can be called almond meal, I buy mine in the bulk section cause its so much cheaper) and mix that in, then add the regular flour a little bit at a time until its all there.

You should have ended up with a sticky-ish dough thats ready to roll. Lay out a piece of parchment or wax paper and start shaping the dough into a tube. When it comes to these things, size is relative. I usually go for the circumference of a banana cause I like my cookies a little bigger, but if you are more of a roll-of-quarters kinda person then thats ok too. I feel…like there is a joke in here somewhere…but my brain just…hmmm… Cover your dough (I usually just roll it up in the parchment) and pop it in the fridge for about a half hour or just until its more handleable (you are gonna be slicing up this dough-log and soft dough does not cut like a champ, it has gotta be a hardened criminal).

Once the dough is chill-ay you want to brush it with an egg (that means crack the egg into a bowl and whip it up with a fork, then brush it onto the dough. I specify this cause I know at least TWO of you who will literally just rub an egg up and down the dough, then complain via comment later that the sugar didn’t stick). Now roll your roll in that beautiful sparkly vanilla sugar! Razzle dazzle it! Glitter it up like its going to the prom! Get it feeling fragrant and fancy and then catch it off guard by violently cutting it into 1/2 inch-ish slices >:) …so yeah, cut the sugared sparkle dough into half inch-ish slices and place them an inch apart on a lined cookie sheet. They bake at 275 degrees for abouuuut 20 mins.

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Now eat them! EAT THEM ALL!!! Because they are perfect, just like this blog post, regardless of what my husband says! Flavour that don’t QUIT!

So I totally left the Revolutionary theme this week, eh? I don’t think I really described these cookies at all. I also am thinking I haven’t posted some of the pics but…I cant seem to remember what file they are in and…and then I keep forgetting what Im looking for and…Ive totally hacked up at least half a lung onto the keyboard and…oh! Here’s one!

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This is my sick selfie. I am proudly posting a makeup-less, drug infused blogging picture of myself on the internet  (I ran it through Instagram first and changed the filter to “willow” so as to spare you the graphic details of my dark circles and spittle #phlegm #lungbutter #mypneumoniabringsalltheboystotheyard). I must be very medicated indeed.

I just love you all so much. I need cold water and a bendy straw. Gotta text my husband (he’s downstairs but I have no voice to yell and no will to move). Peace out yo. Remember: Perfection! Flavour that dont quit! Sparkly dough and bendy straws! Viva la Revolucion!



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PS – pspspspspspspspsppspspspspsps peeeeeeeeeee eeeeesssssssss es es es es pee pee pee. SUBSCRIBE!

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  • June 7, 2013 - 4:09 pm

    Mamakat Joyce - I loved that post and cannot wait to make those cookies. And for someone who is sick with no makeup on…Damn girl you look pretty good!!!ReplyCancel

  • June 7, 2013 - 4:19 pm

    Karley - This was perfect -I hope you never edit it!ReplyCancel

  • June 7, 2013 - 4:23 pm

    Gail - I don’t know how you don’t have a comment yet, but your friend at Busted Button just mentioned your post on facebook — she was right, this is funny!! I hope you don’t ever edit this because it will give everyone a laugh for years, hopefully including yourself. I currently am trying very hard not to laugh any more because I have an awful cold (I may end up joining you with the pneumonia drugs if things don’t change) and my throat was alredy too sore to talk.

    Oh, and the sparkly cookies just made my Gotta Try This List! Get well soon :)ReplyCancel

  • June 7, 2013 - 4:23 pm

    Melisa - Oh. Em. Gee. Yes, my favorite blog post ever. Not just of yours, OF ERRYBODY’S. Pneumonia you is awesome.

    Oh, the cookies look fantasmical too. FLAYYYYYY-VAAAAA!ReplyCancel

  • June 7, 2013 - 4:26 pm


    This post had me laughing out loud for the first time all day. And it’s been a damn stressful, head in hands, flip-the-table-over-because-your-phone-froze kind of day.

    I love it. I’m going to make these cookies, and I don’t even remember what’s in them. All I know is that your blog post is hilarious, that you obviously have a fantastic sense of humour, and that you made me laugh out loud.

    I thank you, and hope you are feeling much better, very soon. I think I’ll go take a look around your site =)

    ~ TammyReplyCancel

  • June 7, 2013 - 4:30 pm

    Annie - HAHAHAHA!!!ReplyCancel

  • June 7, 2013 - 4:39 pm

    Kali - Girl, I’ll subscribe for that sparky dough effort! Poor you. Hilarious post!ReplyCancel

  • June 7, 2013 - 6:25 pm

    Tinille McKenzie-Wyatt - Hilarious! Can’t wait to try them!ReplyCancel

  • June 7, 2013 - 6:54 pm

    Adele Dimopoulos - Delightful. Wishing you a quick and full recovery and lots of fragrant vanilla bean dreams.ReplyCancel

  • June 7, 2013 - 7:48 pm

    Heidi G - OMG. Thank you soooooooooo very much. It’s been a rather difficult week and this so totally had tears coming out of my eyes. I feel your pain, pneumonia is awlful. I will definitely whip up at least one or many dozen of your recipe. Thanks for sharing with us. You are delightful.ReplyCancel

  • June 7, 2013 - 8:36 pm

    Rebecca Jones - That’s just the most brilliant post. Loved it so much :) (And you look amazing whilst drugged with no make-up!)ReplyCancel

  • June 8, 2013 - 7:43 am

    Sarah - Wonderful! Caused many giggles! Get better soon. xxReplyCancel

  • June 8, 2013 - 10:17 am

    Crystal Vercoe - Lol, very funny and yes I agree u look great, lol. I wonder if u can make shape cookies out of this recipe….ReplyCancel

  • June 8, 2013 - 10:31 am

    coduda - AWEEEEESOME.

    I was expecting f-bombs & confusion but that was pure comedy & awesomeness. :DReplyCancel

  • June 8, 2013 - 10:51 am

    Susan - This post made me laugh! I hope you feel better soon, and please don’t edit it no matter what your husband says. And I’m so making these cookies even though I don’t usually bake. ;0ReplyCancel

  • June 8, 2013 - 5:00 pm

    Dani - Subscribed based solely on this post. Great stuff!ReplyCancel

  • June 8, 2013 - 11:44 pm

    Jobakes - Oh you are fantastic! I love this post and can’t wait to hear more from you :D. Get well soon Melissa xReplyCancel

  • June 9, 2013 - 5:20 am

    Betsy - LOL. All recipe posts, in the entire internet, should be written this way. ;^)ReplyCancel

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